"If you or someone you know are involved in an abusive relationship, get help NOW! Abuse may or may not involve physical violence.

“Control, verbal / emotional abuse (put-downs, hurtful 'humor', name-calling, accusations and more), isolation, sexual abuse, and rages are usually present; or verbal/emotional abuse will escalate to these... and beatings can escalate to murder!"

You can stop abuse as soon as you’re ready (whether you are being abused, or are the abuser) ...and I (Jannette Robert Murray, Therapist, and owner of this web site) DEFINITELY can help you.

Get all the information here, and read about it in detail, but do not expect to get any change until you get into the “Golden Keys to Recovery” therapy program, do the homework — and finish it — for lasting results!

You’ve already learned:

• You cannot do it with will power...

• You must do it with effective help...

YOU MUST DO IT – all  the  way   ...

This is the last information you’ll need... but you must act on it, by getting involved... (information alone — just reading about it, or going to meetings and commiserating with others – won’t do it).

“Where do I get involved?”

As of the date of this writing – 3-20-2008 – no one else is yet trained to use this therapy method).

If anyone claims to be trained in The Golden Keys to Recovery / Healing, verify that with me (Jannette).

If a Domestic Abuse Center or Therapist is using this information, without such training or such permission to do so, they must stop it NOW.

Plagiarism is illegal; this information is placed on the Internet for the education of abusers, and recipients of abuse, only, so they may become aware and take action to become healthy, through entering this Program.

The Golden Keys method is proprietary, copyrighted information and may not be used or sold by others who are not so trained and licensed.

Accept nothing less than the complete therapy, to get well, to grow out of your addictive pattern (no matter what it is), and to learn healing tools for a lifetime of use and freedom from abuse, codependence, enabling, and from addiction of all kinds.

How Do I Get Involved?

Domestic Violence / Intimate Partner Violence (as the Center for Disease Control prefers to call it) — is a Progressive Pattern!

By that I mean: it gets worse!

And you might just think: “Oh, he just has a bad temper!” or “she’s touchy!” or “I wonder why he got so angry about that!!!”

But anger is most often the precursor to violence and control.

The abuser most often comes from a family with abuse, though there is an element of societal/cultural training involved (more in some cultures than others).

However, none of this relieves the abuser of his/her responsibility for the behavior of abuse.

We can go through life blaming our patterns on our parents, and that may truly be where we learned them, but we can — and we must — unlearn them! And we must heal any abuse, we ourselves have experienced. It is all part of this complete healing therapy... it is part of taking responsibility for gaining a healthy life...

There are Two Sides to the Abuser...

And the abusive behavior hides behind the other side of the abuser’s personality — the charming side!

This charming behavior may be the only side you see for a while, and which the rest of the world sees for some time — until the pattern has progressed to the point where the abuser can no longer keep it under control (and hidden); and then others begin to witness the escalating behaviors... seeing the truly unhealthy explosive pattern, the unbalanced and insecure behaviors of the abuser — by then, very likely, frequently out-of-control behavior.

Yes, the pattern may be there when you meet this person, lying in wait — already full-blown — or it may only be in its infancy, just a hint of the behaviors to come, depending on the age of the abuser, the progression of the pattern — and depending on whether you are relationship No. 1, or No. 3 or...

What label have you given it... has he given it?

No matter what name you give to it: Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Violence, ‘Anger problems’, ‘hot temper’, abuse, put-downs, control, jealousy, ‘possessiveness’, beatings, smacking around, “cuffing”, pushing & shoving, destruction of property/pets, threats, ‘teasing’... you name it... it’s all abuse, it’s domestic violence — whether it’s physical or not.

• In its earlier stages, the manifestation may be verbal/emotional abuse, without physical abuse.

• This can progress to physical, though it doesn’t always.

• It can progress to murder, though it doesn’t always...

  so you have the minimal and the extreme...

  
  

Be forewarned:
Verbal/emotional abuse is extremely damaging — its effects can be more long-lasting then some bruises.

The demeaning behavior is doing damage to your self-esteem the whole time.

The fear involved in dealing with an abuser, and the permanent effects on any children in the situation are extreme.

GET THIS HELP NOW...

The Clinical Definition of Domestic Violence:

Domestic Violence is defined as any physical, psychological and/or sexual abuse which occurs within a relationship. It usually begins with small, ‘socially-acceptable’ teasing and attempts to establish control and power, and it tends to move down the continuum and become more destructive. The following lists show how abuse and violence progress in a relationship:

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

• Rigid sex role requirements
• Insulting, humiliating ‘socially-acceptable’ teasing / put-down’s
• Yelling, Raging
• Ignoring
• Jealousy, Accusations, Possessiveness
• Destruction of Property
• Threats of harm
• Isolation
• Blaming victim for violence
• Labels (Bitch, “crazy”, whore, “fat pig”, lazy)
• Dependency (for transportation / childcare / financial)
• Invasion of privacy
• Hurting / isolating children
• Threatening with weapons
• “You’ll never get away”; “you’ll never get the children!”

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• Pushing, shoving
• Shaking
• Slapping
• Choking
• Punching
• Black eyes
• Stitches
• Beating while pregnant
• Emergency Room
• Hitting with objects
• Broken bones
• Paralysis
• Killing pets, often in front of
  the child/partner who owns that pet
• Using weapon
• Attempted murder
• Murder

Within the Abusive pattern are a number of behaviors, which are also a continuum (progression), and wherein what can begin as a relatively mild pattern, progresses to beating / murder.

Not all elements must be present for the pattern to progress (nor to be verified). Some of these elements are: Control (which deliberately creates the dependency / isolation factors); Possessiveness, Rage; and (whether or not a physical separation / divorce becomes a factor): Harrassment / Pursuit, Stalking, Battering and Murder.

The Nicole Brown / O. J. Simpson situation is a classic example of the Codependent / Abusive Patterns progressed to their extremes, and is quite typical of many such cases.

SEXUAL ABUSE

• Demeaning sexual comments
• Treated as a sex object
• Sex expected as a duty
• Uncomfortable touching
• Accused of infidelity
• Accused of promiscuity/frigidity
• Withholding sex as a punishment
• His intentional promiscuity
• Sex after violence (forced/coerced)
• Forced sex by threats
• Incest with the children
• Violence during sex / hurtful sex
• Rape

The Pattern is Inherited / Learned / Passes Down From Generation to Generation

Children learn what they live.
Boys learn ‘this is the way we treat women’.

Abusive patterns are present in both men and women, though the manifestation is different.

A child who is abusive to other children — the schoolyard bully — is usually from a home where that child is abused, or witnesses abuse. (See also “SCHOOL BULLIES, SCHOOL VIOLENCE & HATE CRIMES” on this web site.)

If you witness a child being abusive to animals, this is a precursor to adult violence. Get that child into treatment right now, and look for the violent pattern in a parent.

Be forewarned! This is a family which requires treatment — for each member, individually. DO NOT GO TO COUPLES/MARRIAGE COUNSELING OR FAMILY THERAPY! This is the wrong kind of treatment. In fact, the law in my state (Washington) requires that the domestic violence abuser NOT be in therapy sessions with his or her partner.

If you would like to know more about this requirement and why it is made, write me. Ask for my paper on “Separate Counseling for Abusers”.

The abuser will often attempt to coerce (his) partner into quitting her counseling and attending couples / marriage counseling with him. This is a ruse — an attempt to get you to quit what he knows is working — and fears...

The abuser must attend Domestic Violence Perpetrator Treatment, for himself (or herself).

The abused partner must attend Domestic Violence Victim treatment. These are done separately for very valid and important reasons.

The Treatment That Works:

I (Jannette Robert Murray) am formally trained in both D.V. Perpetrator and Victim Treatment, and have specialized in the treatment of these patterns since 1986... plus you receive your counseling in “The Golden Keys to Recovery” — my proven therapy program, available nowhere else.

A winning combination...

Get the best — avail yourself of what works!

NOTE: With my “Provide Support” chat software, you can chat with me when I’m online... just check the upper right corner (or bottom) of many of my pages, which tells you whether I am online or offline. When I am offline, you can leave me a message. I’m easy to talk to, and if I approach you to chat, I hope you’ll know it’s really me (not some pop-up advertising), and won’t run away!

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In the links below, especially see the page on Parenting, and the Singles Page, which also address the issue of abuse.

Also, again, the page on School Bullies, mentioned earlier on this page. The Home Page has a reference to the pattern of abuse, as well.